As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
