I feel great
I just peed on a car
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
