Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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