Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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