As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
