i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
