he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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