he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
