so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
