I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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