I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
