Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
