my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
