i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
