I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex