what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree