mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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