Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
