It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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