How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
