I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
