Pants 0. Shit 1.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
