I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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