i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
