I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
