Buhtt sex?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
