cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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