I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
