Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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