I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
