I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
