I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
