Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
