he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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