Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
