turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
