i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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