Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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