there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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