I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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