I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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