a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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