Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
