I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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