everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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