I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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