Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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