i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
