I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
