Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
