I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
