I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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