if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
