i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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