We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
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plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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