I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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