i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
