got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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