so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
