Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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